Mothership!

2011-07-23T09:10:00.001-07:00

2011-07-21T20:23:00.001-07:00

I see the light
I see the cross
I see Jesus
Starring at his spaghetti sauce

2011-05-02T23:14:00.001-07:00

2011-04-22T08:26:00.001-07:00

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2011-03-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

The television set in my bedroom is old as shit. The volume goes up when I want to change the channel and when clicking to channel three it, like a phantom, skips itself to channel five. It's well known that one needs channel three to watch devices hooked into the television. Or so were the days. Is it not reasonable to just get a free fifty inch plasma screened television? There are plenty to go around and I feel like I deserve it. I could watch my favorite movie on my lap top in bed but it feels weird to watch my favorite movie on the same machine I get my seemingly endless supply of pornography. There's so much porn out there we could feed the homeless with it.

Let's face it, the only way I'm going to be able to afford my plasma television set is if I get a promotion at my job. I work in the food service industry. My job is not hard. I put things in places and hand money to people in exchange for product. Sometimes I take the money and make the product right there. I'd ask for a raise for a promotion but one of my five bosses has informed me I am a lazy bones.

There will forever be room for promotion. Out there on the work force I could be the Carl Lewis of washing dishes or the John Wayne of exchanging currency. But let's face it, I'm the Mili Vanili of food preparation and the Vanilla Ice of customer service. I'm there but what's happening? I'll never be a Carl Lewis. My hobbies died with my heroes. Upper management's humanly existence is killing my friends. Everything is fatal. Everyone's getting Titanic'd. Upper management's inadequacies disappeared a long time ago. They have been replaced with formulas, thousands of calculations.

Where's my bad ass T.V.? How am I going to watch season two of the show about the people I can relate to? How am I going to relate to any one? God it's horrible to have only one and half televisions in a world where families put plasma screens in shopping carts. The kids get excited and jump in the car, peer into the back seat and see that big fucking box and think "Fuck Yeah." Who are these people?

Tonight on Channel Eleven:
The Mystery of Why Bill is Such a Bad Employee: Who Left the Rag Out?

There's no hope. Raw despondency. Let's face it, I'm better off fighting with the machines I am already familiarized with around my house. The rice cooker does its job and shuts down. The coffee make turns off to avoid killing my neighbors and me. There's no need to confuse my being with more buttons and lights. There's perpetual time for advancement. I'm insecure I won't interview well for a corporate position. My suit is one sized too big and gives way to a shaggy, careless appearance. It will be as if I was not courteous or intelligent enough to make my clothes fit me as if they were me. As if the clothes were some separate portion of myself that needs to be hidden away. Fuck it. I wear my hat backwards. I wear my pants down to my toes. I've got one glass eye that says "Fuck You" in the pupil. My shoes killed animals and children. The pockets in my pants are huge just in case I see something and really need to steal it. My shirt has a picture of someone I don't even like just so I can display my understanding and appreciation of irony. My belt is a karate belt.My other car is a 2004 Toyota Corolla. Everyone I love will get something cool if I die. At work I'm doing a good job but there's room for improvement. I hope that I improve one day even if I don't know who I am.

Out of the green forest on a sunlit day comes a ragged creature. It is the spring time and a new life comes with a new sun. He drags himself into a clearing and rests his weary being under a lone oak. His shadow is leaking and on the horizon the bugs are dreamless machines bouncing in between invisible matter. The sun pours out its inexhaustible rays of light and is stuck into the sky like a jewel or some alien door. The creature wipes his forehead and feels the chambers of his heart chime neutrally. He imagines the sweet honey suckle. There are coming days of summer, the honey suckle will be wild with insects. He imagines the exhalation of the earth.

2011-01-16T12:10:00.000-08:00

I recently read "Brief Interviews With Hideous Men" and loved it. I liked the idea so much that I decided to try it out for myself. This is the exact same idea as this. So go buy this and know it is not my own original idea.

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Interview #1

23213123

A. You could say that I’ve thought of killing him. I mean, who the fuck hasn’t? He stands in there in that fucking Mickey Mouse outfit waving at kids all day. Take away the outfit and put him in his human suit and he’ll look like some asshole smiling at kids, huggin’ ‘em and shit, taking pictures with their families.Who the fuck takes pictures with other people's families? Some asshole whose supposed to be a cartoon? That's some creepy shit, man.

A. Well of course I never killed the fucker. Right there in broad day light? God I wanted to but you gotta be kidding me if you think I’d kill anyone in broad day light. I call the dagger in the planetarium. It's clue, dude? So I stretched out the bounds, what are you going to do? Anyway, you can’t smoke a joint in broad day light in this country without some fucking lady or asshole dude snatching it out of your mouth and calling the cops. You murder a six foot five community college student named Ron dressed as Mickey Mouse and you sure as hell are going to do some time for that one.

A. Everything pisses me off. Just yesterday I was at the grocery store, the real big one on 7^th St., and some bitch was on her cell phone, talking to her mom about her own father’s death like it was a thing to plan. Like they were planning fucking Christmas. Can you believe that shit? Get the egg nog, Dad's dead! I may want to jab an ice pick up Mickey Mouse’s ass just to see his ears and eyes fade over to death but at least I never used my cell phone while grocery store to plan my father’s funeral; save some time like that, you know?

Interview #2

12312312412

A. I don’t think it’s that weird of a thing to do, you know, how often do you get to come across a tank filled with dolphins? I think anyone with the combination of variables that have added up to my current state of mind, you know all of the times I went to the bathroom or the way I drank my orange juice or the earliest years of my masturbation career and how my Dad talked to me and that shit, would have done the same damn thing. And it’s a hell of a rush because all of the families are looking at you and there’s that one brown haired kid who says “Mommy, what’s that man doing?” and the hot mom, who I have at this point zero chance in ever nailing or even speaking to, says “Oh my fuck, Billy, turn around.” And at that point the shit is already hanging out of my asshole and some dolphin is looking at me like “What the fuck is this?” and boom, there’s my shit floating in the tank and the dolphins are all freaking the fuck out and I’m high tailing it out of there.

Interview #3

L44134

A. Sure as hell I masturbate to as many different things as possible. You don’t have sex for eighteen years and see if your masturbation material changes. It used to just be magazines and the videos. These were great for a good long while but after a while one gets bored with the same shit. Same routine, same lotion, same interchangeable porn stars.

A. Sure I have masturbated to anything. I one time had a sex dream where I had sex with a coffin and then got in the coffin and had a cigarette. The coffin told me that it had had better but I just laughed and said coffins would say that. And then we both laughed. It was weird, I felt truly in love with that coffin in that dream.

A. The weirdest would easily be the time I masturbated to my dog. I mean, that took a real long time to get going. And you want to feel something weird then you try and masturbate to your dog and then the next morning you try looking her in the face. She’s going to tell you with her eyes to take her out and your just thinking, I just jerked off to Cupcake last night, holy fuck. And then you’re going to walk her down the street and some other dog is going to be checking her out, thinking the same shit you had been thinking the night before and that’s when you really, really lose your humanity

2010-10-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I found myself examining the toaster

Smooth tin reflecting the colossal moon, some dead memory, that shot through our little window

You put it back in the box and left to return it this morning

I was left to ponder:

The machines are eating each other

I returned the computer just yesterday

I had a proof of purchase but it was for a taco

So I said "Our computer's operating system put two hundred hallways in my head and now I'm all out of maps."

I was escorted away

You returned and the door swung open and you walked in like a wall

You dropped the same kitchen toaster on the kitchen table so that it was like a dead animal ready to be prepared for a feast

I said, like an idiot, "Did they let you return it?"

You said, trembling, getting out your easel,"I could have exchanged it for store credit but I couldn't be returned the money. The only other thing I wanted was one of those toasters with a pancake compartment built into the side but it was the price of two of this one right here. Did you have a good day? There was commotion down on 345th street."

I pressed my head against our little window and looked over the city, out at the fat moon

If the fat moon had always been swinging I'd believe just as much

I finally remembered to reply, "I watered the plants but I couldn't talk to the neighbor about quieting down his records. Paper thin walls and you know his wife is having problems? She's experienced a water park disaster with her kids. Turns out you have to be seven feet tall to ride on slide G143. Her kids are only 6' 4"."

She forgot to pay attention

She was painting and wouldn't be able to be bothered or stop for some time

This went on all night:

My head pressed against window

The skyscrapers swaying

Their shadows wobbling

And then the moon bobbing carelessly up and down in black space, black water

The window opened and I stretched my neck out for a better look, to believe this moon was floating

Cold wind up high

And down below the dark reckonings of a city closing, concrete maze field

And to my amazement: the moon was still in water

Still, long, infinite black water

My world sought an even surface

About its prominent projection

And broke

2010-10-07T23:16:00.001-07:00

careful with the soda the carpet is new

2010-09-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should go into the evening. Hey, sorry I missed your call, I was shaping my muscles over a blue moon painting. It's gravy good now though. It will all be over. I'm beginning to get the grasp on how malls function as a utility belt. I'm robbing the whole city and all I've got is this crappy parking space. My other car is a definition. My son is on the honorary scroll at Wildo Elementary. There's a hole in the bracket. Drive home. Four billion bottles of beers in my car. Look ma, I'm in the paypa.

Careful between the connections. But there I've got to have my glasses. Version: You are a garbage truck. God damnit. God damnit. A different view now we're not going separate ways. Let's go to my house.

It's a boat. I wish everything was about you. Let's paddle.

There's a blue dawn, for you. All over the fine air and in me with you. Bright blue florescence running vertical along my spine. Say I'll be careful to drugs. Say, did either of you see the greatest movie of all time?

Leave us alone. Don't talk to us. We want to row a boat across the reflection of the moon. Blue moon at night isn't quite the same with out our canoe. It's a boat.

Careful with the soda the carpet is new. I just had the drapes re-draperated. This dining room table is growing up to be a big problem. Just be careful, there's an earth quake in me. Just yesterday the coasters were leaking. Coasters don't leak. Oh, they were growing the leeks. The wall paper is peeling where the eyes gravitate most. You had better not poisoned my apples with your frivolous connections.

The Assholes that Scientists Study Committee * BUMPED Excuse the Grammar, Version We've Got No Skill 2.0.1

2010-09-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

The Assholes that Scientists Study committee, or ASS, has been an up and coming group of scientists who specifically study the asshole and what he does. How does he think? What do you do when confronted by an asshole? Does he really need to be such an asshole? These are the questions, along with many more, that ASS has been working over the last years.

I have done most of my research at work so I may use, from time to time, examples from my retail outlet store. I imagine these examples to be spread across the globe in a wide variety of manners that parallel one another.

Asshole#1
The Aggressor
A rare breed, this asshole will stop at nothing until his stupid fucking point is made. The Aggressor slowly moves his assholery at a higher level until he receives what he wants. At work you should be warned. He may be as calm as the next chilled out person, but the minute something goes wrong he begins his asshole trek. First he will raise his voice to a noticeable volume. Maybe get a little fire in his eye that goes along with a twitch. This is his asshole brain warming up. It will escalate the more he is unhappy. Five minutes into it he could be at the maximum potential asshole, which I calculated be 73.444 A's. The aggressor is the only asshole to reach this level. *Please see Formula Chart Below*

Once at his maximum potential there's not tellin' what this asshole's gonna do. He may strike you but it's unlikely. His anger stems from a deep insecurity or unhappiness in his life. Be sure to be overtly friendly to The Aggressor as he does not take well to genuine happiness. Do not lay down for this asshole. You cannot let him win, it will only make him stronger, thus continuing the cycle of generation after generation of assholes. You must be overtly friendly or put your hand on his shoulder to let him know it's going to be okay. This may piss off the asshole at the present but later on he will look back and be confused.

Asshole#2
The Informer
This guy can be considered one of the more humorous assholes. He will be sure that you are incorrect at any cost and will stop at nothing to be right. Typically he is fairly knowledgeable. He will wait, while you spill your facts, for a moment when you are wrong. He will then, if you notice quick enough, reveal a quick smile that cuts off shortly and sharply on his left or right cheek. He may tap his finger down on the table and show you where you were wrong, as if to say "Now you really know you're wrong. you have been beaten." He will then be glowing. This glow is still a mystery and I feel it will not be explained for some years.Once super computers are capable of calculating more massive equations we will believe we will better understand this mysterious glow.

Quite possibly The Informer is the easiest of the assholes to shut off. Coming in at marginal 33.3 on the asshole scale, it takes one simple trick to not worry about this individual. One simple solution is to just not give a fucking fuck. Lay down your cool. If you pretend to know that you already knew it, the asshole will think you a liar. This will not work and he may glow more if he finds more satisfaction out of it.Say something like "It doesn't matter anyway," and be totally cool about it.

Now that is not a full proof tactic. Some of the real bad informers out there may think that you are trying to act cool and they may feel even informier. We haven't developed a good way to stop this asshole at this point. It seem as though some are so steadfast in their asshole ways that they are lost in what we call "The Black Abyss". A figurative place for assholes who will never return from being assholes go.

^^^You could always trying throwing water on them. We do not yet know how assholes react to cool water.

Asshole #3
The Sneaky Cheeser
This guy may go under your radar. The Sneaky Cheeser is by far the hardest asshole to identify and for many years we did not know he existed.
It happens occasionally and under their breath. You piss off the Sneaky Cheeser and he mumbles something.

The Sneaky Cheeser is easy to diffuse beacuse he avoids conflict. Be sure to let the Sneaky Cheeser know that he is an asshole. Just whisper in his ear, "I know your an asshole" and walk away. The Sneaky Cheeser hates conflict.

A = 23.4

Asshole# 4
Important Guy/Cell Phone Guy
Everyone has met this guy. It's some real important asshole who some time ago decided he was better than everyone else. He may be on his cell phone a lot. He has mastered being an asshole while simultaneously completing a business transaction on the phone. It took years to accomplish but this asshole was practically born on the cell phone. The early years he simply carried the large thing around, awkwardly being an asshole. But over time, as cell phone grew with popularity, he began to understand how to be an asshole at new levels. When hands-free technology arrived the scientific community was in a frenzy of trying to catch up with the rapid evolution of the species. Before you knew it the Important Guy/Cell Phone Guy had jumped from a 23.0 A to a 63.44 A. we were all shocked and fascinated.

In retail outlet stores The Important Guy is universally considered horrible. Typically he found wearing polo T shirts, a solid color, that show off his nips. He wears large sun glasses so he can hide the asshole that lives in his face. A bronze tan is common as well. ****Do not be fooled - A Non Asshole May Still Have These Physical Characteristics - ****

This asshole will be sure you know he's important. Lines like "Well I think we should just light tires and watch the fires" and "Seal the deal like we're clubbin' a seal" are common in this asshole's language. Over time we plan on accumulating a large book of Important Guy/Cell Phone Guy lines.

Coming in at a 63.44 on the A scale he is definitely hard to subdue. We have noticed that the Informer is very similar to The Important guy, so there are similar tactics when confronted by these strange creatures. Here is what happens if you work in a retail outlet store and you encounter him:

Like usual, be sure to keep your cool. Do not let this guy know you want to punch him and do not let him think you care that he has just completed some stupid fucking business deal. In fact, you should interrupt his business deal. He may hold his finger up to you to wait one minute but you must dodge this finger and tap him on the shoulder and say, "Excuse, but you need to sign this receipt." Or tell him what ever he needs to be told. Be stern but not too stern. Too much sternness may make him be a bigger asshole.

This asshole does not respond to kindness and in fact may confuse your kindness for inferiority. Sheer indifference and backbone is what's going to help you out with this guy. You could always become the aggressor but this is risky and may compromise your morality.

If you are a female an easy trick to do is to pretend that you are interested. Smile at him, look like you want to take him home with you. Before he leaves be sure to cut him off and pretend he does not exist. Maybe find another suitor to speak with. Be sure he can see you. This will be sure to enrage him with no hope.

Formula

Assholes are Measured in A's

The greater value for A, the greater the asshole.

Maximum Potential of an Asshole = 73.444 A's

Arm Movement = Am
Noise Level =N
Sincerity=S
W = Weirdness
T = Time Spent Being an Asshole
**Wild Card = (S X N X W)

Assholeness = (Noise + Sincerity)Weirdness + (Wild Card)
So we have A = (N + S)W + (S x N x W)

**Seeing as how the asshole is not completely understood, the wild card could be some strange antic that is not yet marked and should be highly considered in the equation. For example: A man is shouting at the manager of a retail outlet store because he received the wrong color shirt. He is red in the face and soon takes off his hat and squeezes it, whispering to himself "Everything's okay now that it's under the refrigerator. Put it under there." We have yet to determine a universal pattern in the strangeness of the asshole. Thus we have the wild card.

2010-09-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

Circus of Paths

2010-08-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

You could say that every time one of those evil witches comes through those doors a little of me dies inside. These witches could easily just spare the politeness. Spare me your twitchy eye. The aggressive nicety of it all makes anything less become stale and cold and behind the politeness is an underhanded golden agenda.

These women come into the store with their sons. They intend to dress them nicely in fine tuxedo clothing. Memorably. This moment is so important the mother's have planets sucked into their eye sockets when they stare over me. I'm expressing the company with shapes that come out of my chest. The shapes dictate my voice. My voice for a million dollar vision. And they, these strange ladies, are manipulating these shapes, moving the lines connected between myself and some standard-practiced geometry forced into my sternum, beneath my rows of lines. This leads my brain down the circus of paths.

I could tell you of the evil women behind the practice of cold gold stones constricting the finger. The ones who come into my store looking for shapes to fight. But it doesn't take a human to see she's breaking at the knees, melting at the face, burning into a thin space.

2010-08-14T00:09:00.001-07:00

“Well, I would like to express my self radically and with out value, but I feel as though I’m losing my primitive edge. Maybe one day I’ll paint the sky yellow and the sun blue and I’ll burst. Until then I’ll live in the dark.” – Arthur Dundro

2010-08-05T14:27:00.001-07:00

Sayonara! from David Fullen on Vimeo.
You should probably be stoned for this.

2010-07-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

And upon viewing his collection he realized his wasted years.

2010-07-13T16:31:00.001-07:00

2010-07-13T16:30:00.001-07:00

2010-06-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

He held the torch high above his head so that the tunnel up ahead could be seen. Beyond the dark tunnel sat the treasure chest, sunk in its own time, jewels. He has known they have been there for some time. He has planned this journey for years.

The points between the one in which he was standing and the chest were treacherous with machete traps and thick nets. He was careful not to allow for error. He was afraid of what would happen when his dream dissolved into success.

-

2010-06-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

2010-06-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

2010-06-28T10:18:00.001-07:00

2010-06-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

A piece of

2010-06-23T20:51:00.001-07:00

The Mountain on the Other Side of the City
.........................
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...

...Just this morning I was working for Williamson and Murphy,

”.....

.....

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Shit.

Dark Pool

2010-06-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

Teen Werewolves

2010-05-30T21:08:00.002-07:00

Short Short Short

2010-05-26T00:19:00.001-07:00

Funny Day

I wake up with a black widow spider crawling the length of my arm. The eyes are dark sacks of goo perched on its body. A poisonous black bulb. I hear my neighbor yell “These fucking spiders are everywhere!”

I want to reach over for the spider and flick it off my arm but I’m thinking it will just attach itself to my finger and bite my knuckles. But I’m no scientist.

My alarm clock begins to buzz and it is far out of my reach. The sun is slowly rising and you can hear the wood crack under the immense heat that is advancing against what was a cool night. I laugh to myself and think today will be a very funny day.

I'll Speak Under Sheets of Lightning

2010-05-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

I think just yesterday it hadn't rained in two years. I pray for rain in my room and I tell God, I march right up to him and tell 'em "Hey, could we get some rain down here or what? My crops are all dead and I aint got nothing to show my wives!" God told me to chill and the weather was all good and he didn't control it anyway. It was Harry further out and beyond space.

"Harry!" I said and marched right up to him, "Get this weather thing man. You got to make it rain. My crops are dying and I don't have nothing to give to my wives."

Harry was all something about he doesn't know how he controls it but he knows that he controls it and just then a bolt of lightning came down from the sky and struck a pedestrian. "Shits real out of control" he said and shook all over with the fear of losing focus.

Looking out of my car

Over the fence of this Farm Market Road 6787

I see a collection of cattle

Grazing

The clouds in the distant roar with silent thunder

There is little to do here but stare at the weather

So I do

And it comes ever so slowly over these cattle and me

My car is broken down of course

These black clouds arrive so slow

"With the schedule of a banker!" I yell at them.

Hard of hearing

I smoke a marijuana cigarette

To calm my nerves

Everything is a pale blue

Blankets of rain pour down like a screen

The plan back fires and my nerves are far from calm

One cow grazing madly

No, now there are hundreds of them

There were always hundreds of them I just never noticed did I?

This marijuana is sure funny

I tell my car to drive and I shut my eyes tight

nu nu nu nu nu nu nuuuuhhhhheeeekshhhh

she says

The clouds advancing quickly now I spring in to action and go underneath my car

Tornado! Tornado!

I just can't wait to see that beautuiful funnel cake stick its long stupid face out from beneath the clouds

Like some tentacle

I tell the cows to look out!

Watch out while your grazing you god damned cows!

They do heed my warning but they are all running over to me

There's no room under here you blubbering bafoons!

They stare down at me with frantic eyes

"My god man! How are all of you going to fit in here with me and here comes the tornado!"

It wastes no time in forming

I tell one of the cows it is a category eighteen and sure as hell is a freak of nature

"No, not you! The tornado, you ridiculous bovine!"

Angry the cows begin a plot to tip over my car

"This baby's got insurance but I don't think I have a will. Who will all receive my video game systems and my electronic piano?"

The cows push harder and sure are strong as animated weights

The storm is full on

Hail and shit flying everywhere

I see my friend fly off in the distance and he says "Tell them my story!" and I yell back "What'd you say?"

Even in death I'm a horrible listener

These damn cows do it and tip the car right over

They all scurry around me like the car will come back over us

"You fools! Now we will all die!"

Tornadoes everywhere

Medusa has stuck her fat head through the clouds and her hair is now tornadoes

Tornadoes everywhere

The cows go first

I'm trying to light my marijauna cigarette in this hail that falls like little knives

There goes my car

Just my luck she was just paid off

Isn't there that old phrase? "Isn't that always how it goes?"

I'd cry if I was a crying man

But I'm a running man

So I run as fast as I can

Straight for the storm

Surrounded by hundreds of whirling medusa hairs

Debris and farmers and chickens everywhere

I land in the center of it all and collapse

Down

Isn't it just like that saying goes ? "When the going gets tough you run right into face first like an idiot?"

I yell "Take this tornadoes" and throw a log right in to their operation

But it's too late and I'm sinking in the mud

So moist from the gallons and gallons of water

My knees sink in fast and soon up to my waste in earth

"You'll never take me alive!" I shout that old saying

Sunk down under

Out in the pasture

Where everything is flying now

Like that movie with Bill Pacman

"Get to the chopper!" I yell and realize again I'm up to my waste in earth

And the storm goes on and on and I see no cars in any direction that are not flying

Shit

2010-04-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Going to See the Black Angels and The Warlocks

2010-04-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

I arrived late yesterday to see the Black Angels play along side the likes of The Warlocks, The Silver Apples, and The Gaslamp Killer. It was a small venue and outside. I was in time to see thirty seconds of the Black Angels play and this was because I was tired from work and laid my head down too long. Also the internet told me it was one hour after it was. Needless to say I was somewhat angry when I realized I missed something I had been looking forward to for some time.

Regardless I was in good spirits. The Warlocks went on and blew the roof down. The crowd was all in great nature and everyone spoke to one another kindly. Some wore three dimensional viewing glasses and looked insane and others stood against the wall with me and smoked cigarettes.

I talked to one girl who sat next to the t-shirts and asked her who was the strange man with the drums and the guitar who just came down like a lightning bolt one man band and rocked the shit out of it. She didn't know. We didn't know. But her boyfriend was the DJ later that night. She was sweet as all hell but I figured she had a gun so I walked back to the wall and smoked a cigarette.

I talked to a woman who stood next to me about her weekend at the rock and roll festival. She told me it was great but she was tired of all the fun. I told her I arrived late and that my brain had collapsed in on itself on the way to the show. It was why I didn't have a lot to say I think. She was kind and smoked cigarettes listlessly with me and listened to what little I had to say with out much regard for the measure of my density.

On stage the Silver Apples came on and as it turns out the Silver Apples is one mad scientist who makes things happen and is most happy with things that are analog. Most notably happy with our applause and appreciation for what he created.

The moon was a fist in the sky above the whole noise scene and it pressed against its moon-black fabric air firmly. The noise scene raged on with little ideas and conversations circulating like telephone wires. I shouldn't think anything of myself for sharing a stair well with a rock star and it does equal zero in chants but above the stairs and on the green grass where the stairs stopped played the one man band like a religious villain stealing the night for us all.

The rock star enjoyed it and so did I. I think there is a man who influenced me and inspired me days on end and I have nothing at all to say to him. I only saw thirty seconds of your show and it really pissed me off is all I could come up with. I held my peace and watched as the one man band held his drum stick towards the moon's face and howled and we all understood more or less what was happening but maybe not what was happening inside of us.

I went back inside and bought a lone star. It was cold and the bartender looked like an asshole. He threw my change at me and I did not tip. I convicted him for the crime of being an asshole but decided to not settle his entire existence into one level of understanding.

As the DJ played and his pretty girlfriend bobbed her head I stood there with my arms crossed and enjoyed it. The crowd was in full craze now and it was beautiful with people dancing dances from the 1950s I yearned for a perception of the past as now and the future as limitless as this so when I watch old photos I don't get scared of my future. It works in some logic that may be out of bounds.

Being tired from work and the long drawn out weekend spent with demanding ghosts I decided to make the trek back home. I threw away my beer and my last cigarette and began to drive home. The neighborhoods were quiet and everyone around was lost and so was I.

In the background of my drive I heard the concert noise spread through the city. As I reached further out of the city the noise dissipated of course. I reasoned that the people all who had built the buildings so close together didn't consider that some people may want to listen to concerts on the drive home. I imagine the concert of noise being filtered into a tube that harnesses the frequencies to shoot them across the city and sprinkle them across the fields of the country side. I sit on top of my barn and smoke a cigarette and listen to this noise and the grains of wheat speak. In hours the moon will sink into blue and the sun's fiery rage will make all things possible again.

The Assholes that Scientists Study Committee

2010-03-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

The Assholes that Scientists Study committee, or ASS, has been an up and coming group of scientists who specifically study the asshole and what he does. How does he think? What do you do when confronted by an asshole? Does he really need to be such an asshole? These are the questions, along with many more, that ASS has been working over the last years.

I have done most of my research at work so I may use, from time to time, examples from my retail outlet store. I imagine these examples to be spread across the globe in a wide variety of manners that parallel one another.

Asshole#1
The Aggressor
A rare breed, this asshole will stop at nothing until his stupid fucking point is made. The Aggressor slowly moves his assholery at a higher level until he receives what he wants. At work you should be warned. He may be as calm as the next chilled out person, but the minute something goes wrong he begins his asshole trek. First he will raise his voice to a noticeable volume. Maybe get a little fire in his eye that goes along with a twitch. This is his asshole brain warming up. It will escalate the more he is unhappy. Five minutes into it he could be at the maximum potential asshole, which I calculated be 73.444 A's. The aggressor is the only asshole to reach this level. *Please see Formula Chart Below*

Once at his maximum potential there's not tellin' what this asshole's gonna do. He may strike you but it's unlikely. His anger stems from a deep insecurity or unhappiness in his life. Be sure to be overtly friendly to The Aggressor as he does not take well to genuine happiness. Do not lay down for this asshole. You cannot let him win, it will only make him stronger, thus continuing the cycle of generation after generation of assholes. You must be overtly friendly or put your hand on his shoulder to let him know it's going to be okay. This may piss off the asshole at the present but later on he will look back and be confused.

Asshole#2
The Informer
This guy can be considered one of the more humorous assholes. He will be sure that you are incorrect at any cost and will stop at nothing to be right. Typically he is fairly knowledgeable. He will wait, while you spill your facts, for a moment when you are wrong. He will then, if you notice quick enough, reveal a quick smile that cuts off shortly and sharply on his left or right cheek. He may tap his finger down on the table and show you where you were wrong, as if to say "Now you really know you're wrong. you have been beaten." He will then be glowing. This glow is still a mystery and I feel it will not be explained for some years.Once super computers are capable of calculating more massive equations we will believe we will better understand this mysterious glow.

Quite possibly The Informer is the easiest of the assholes to shut off. Coming in at marginal 33.3 on the asshole scale, it takes one simple trick to not worry about this individual. One simple solution is to just not give a fucking fuck. Lay down your cool. If you pretend to know that you already knew it, the asshole will think you a liar. This will not work and he may glow more if he finds more satisfaction out of it.Say something like "It doesn't matter anyway," and be totally cool about it.

Now that is not a full proof tactic. Some of the real bad informers out there may think that you are trying to act cool and they may feel even informier. We haven't developed a good way to stop this asshole at this point. It seem as though some are so steadfast in their asshole ways that they are lost in what we call "The Black Abyss". A figurative place for assholes who will never return from being assholes go.

^^^You could always trying throwing water on them. We do not yet know how assholes react to cool water.

Asshole #3
The Sneaky Cheeser
This guy may go under your radar. The Sneaky Cheeser is by far the hardest asshole to identify and for many years we did not know he existed.
It happens occasionally and under their breath. You piss off the Sneaky Cheeser and he mumbles something.

The Sneaky Cheeser is easy to diffuse beacuse he avoids conflict. Be sure to let the Sneaky Cheeser know that he is an asshole. Just whisper in his ear, "I know your an asshole" and walk away. The Sneaky Cheeser will hates conflict.

A = 23.4

Asshole# 4
Important Guy/Cell Phone Guy
Everyone has met this guy. It's some real important asshole who some time ago decided he was better than everyone else. He may be on his cell phone a lot. He has mastered being an asshole while simultaneously completing a business transaction on the phone. It took years to accomplish but this asshole was practically born on the cell phone. The early years he simply carried the large thing around, awkwardly being an asshole. But over time, as cell phone grew with popularity, he began to understand how to be an asshole at new levels. When hands-free technology arrived the scientific community was in a frenzy of trying to catch up with the rapid evolution of the species. Before you knew it the Important Guy/Cell Phone Guy had jumped from a 23.0 A to a 63.44 A. we were all shocked and fascinated.

In retail outlet stores The Important Guy is universally considered horrible. Typically he found wearing polo T shirts, a solid color, that show off his nips. He wears large sun glasses so he can hide the asshole that lives in his face. A bronze tan is common as well. ****Do not be fooled - A Non Asshole May Still Have These Physical Characteristics - ****

This asshole will be sure you know he's important. Lines like "Well I think we should just light tires and watch the fires" and "Seal the deal like we're clubbin' a seal" are common in this asshole's language. Over time we plan on accumulating a large book of Important Guy/Cell Phone Guy lines.

Coming in at a 63.44 on the A scale he is definitely hard to subdue. We have noticed that the Informer is very similar to The Important guy, so there are similar tactics when confronted by these strange creatures. Here is what happens if you work in a retail outlet store and you encounter him:

Like usual, be sure to keep your cool. Do not let this guy know you want to punch him and do not let him think you care that he has just completed some stupid fucking business deal. In fact, you should interrupt his business deal. He may hold his finger up to you to wait one minute but you must dodge this finger and tap him on the shoulder and say, "Excuse, but you need to sign this receipt." Or tell him what ever he needs to be told. Be stern but not too stern. Too much sternness may make him be a bigger asshole.

This asshole does not respond to kindness and in fact may confuse your kindness for inferiority. Sheer indifference and backbone is what's going to help you out with this guy. You could always become the aggressor but this is risky and may compromise your morality.

If you are a female an easy trick to do is to pretend that you are interested. Smile at him, look like you want to take him home with you. Before he leaves be sure to cut him off and pretend he does not exist. Maybe find another suitor to speak with. Be sure he can see you. This will be sure to enrage him with no hope.

Formula

Assholes are Measured in A's

The greater value for A, the greater the asshole.

Maximum Potential of an Asshole = 73.444 A's

Arm Movement = Am
Noise Level =N
Sincerity=S
W = Weirdness
T = Time Spent Being an Asshole
**Wild Card = (S X N X W)

Assholeness = (Noise + Sincerity)Weirdness + (Wild Card)
So we have A = (N + S)W + (S x N x W)

**Seeing as how the asshole is not completely understood, the wild card could be some strange antic that is not yet marked and should be highly considered in the equation. For example: A man is shouting at the manager of a retail outlet store because he received the wrong color shirt. He is red in the face and soon takes off his hat and squeezes it, whispering to himself "Everything's okay now that it's under the refrigerator. Put it under there." We have yet to determine a universal pattern in the strangeness of the asshole. Thus we have the wild card.

^^^^^^
More assholes to come in later posts. If you'd like to share your own experience with assholes, or identify your own species of asshole, be sure to leave it in the comments section.
^^^^^^

Wheels of the Wind Rolling Around Everywhere

2010-03-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

I once was such a reliable user of map quest that I ended up in India. I pulled out my sheet of paper at the train station and said to the woman holding a baby, "Excuse me is this the Target on Richardson?" I don't have to tell you that the trip was weird.

I'm going to write a poem right now. It's going to be told from the perspective of a 16 year old. It will be written like a 16 year old wrote it. Or maybe just a teenager. A sixteen year old teenager that could be eighteen. So...uhhh....

the moon is air
air is the moon
dark is the sky
sky is dark
sun you are not here
when sky is dark
but black is black
around the black sky
of night
so black
and dark like the night sky

I don't know, that made me laugh. Me and Paul used to always make dark-gothic kid poetry and it was hilarious.

I sell wind for a living. I'm a wind salesmen. It sucks because when people don't know that you sell wind and then you open up the brief case, filled with wind, it blows them backwards. If I could own a brief case of wind I would. I'd carry it around and show it to my enemies. "Check it out, there's a million dollars in this brief case." Wooosh Wooosh. Got you, there isn't money in there, it's wind.

Technology has come a long ways. You can now read a book on something called "paper." I still use cow skin because it's the most raw form of reading. Anyone who reads books on paper is just trying too hard. I read aloud too because that's how my great grand parents' grand parents did it. Also, I think you can eat the cow skin after you read it. Paper is for chumps. I'm writing this on my digital cow skin. Wait, people used to write on cow skin, right?

I think people should have written messages on Iguanas back in the day. Then let the iguana run across the lands to the message receiver. When the message receiver read the message, "Hey, how are you?" he would then write a response on the other side of the Iguana. "It's going. How are you?" Falcons inevitably get lost and the message arrives at the wrong party. Thirty years later the two messengers finally realize they've been messaging the wrong person!

I ate eggs for dinner tonight and my neighbor came over. He said, "Why do you eat eggs for dinner?" I said "Why do you look like a Chimpanzee?" He said, "I am a Chimpanzee." And I looked down at my eggs and they were swirling and I was holding my breath and my home was empty.

2010-03-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

lol at 1:39
tragedy at 3:33

Sedation in the Pouring Rain Sinks Down Like a Beautiful Fire

2010-03-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

Oh! I have some important news. Today is fuck up your perception of time day. Everyone make sure that you set your clocks ahead an hour so your perception of time is fucked up drastically and you think "What time is it? Did I already set this? The sun is bright for this late. Damn this is fucked up. Man, it should be an hour ago. Is it supposed to be an hour ahead? Fuck what's an hour again? I can't go to work, this time shit is fucking with me." I think it was a few days ago. Sorry.

Just yesterday a customer laughed at an error I made. We both were confused, and shared the confusion as to what the problem was. The problem doesn't matter. Some retail crap with too many computers. But when he discovered the problem he looked down at me, with those professor-like glasses, and said "There's where you went wrong. That was where you made the mistake." He smiled at me and I knew I was bested. "But, good sir," I said "You are the one who is bested." And I laughed and laughed and laughed, "You are the fool who laughs at the computer behind the computers! Bested I am not, for I am not the company!"

If I had a dollar every time I went across that bridge with two hundred trolls underneath, I would have maybe four or five dollars. Over time, as I plan to cross this bridge many more times for the thrill, I will save my money. I will buy a bazooka and destroy those evil trolls that reap the blood of my comrades. For my comrades, the true and bold, should never have to hesitate while crossing that snake-like bridge. Darken the bridges the trolls do do. They walk around and talk about their beautiful, empty nests of accomplishments. "I have got a new television that is three times as many televisions as your televisions are."
"Well my television has a fuck machine in it."
"Well my fuck machine reclines."
"Your recliner is a fuck machine?"
"What?"

I'm saving my money, trolls. I'm saving it all up here.

I cannot stand to watch many modern day pop culture films. I do not know if I'm labeling them correctly. Pop culture films? Bad movies? Movies that try to glorify some strange dialogue? American Pie, you frighten me. Where are my absurdists? Where are my Thomas Pynchons? Where are the Brazils? Where is my Christmas with the Griswalds? Give me the world that exists in marble layers that overlap a painting.

I haven't dreamed in days or weeks or months.I went to my dream doctor and said, "Dream Doctor, I haven't dreamed for weeks, what should I do?"
He was watching pornography on his computer, "I don't know. Take some vitamins or something before you go to sleep."
"What does a dream doctor do, anyway?"
"I'm sorry?"
"What do you do? Your a dream doctor. What's your function? Did you go to medical school?"
"I dream a lot. Guess that makes me kind of a professional. I had a dream yesterday where I went to sleep and when I went to sleep I dreamed more and then in that dream I went to sleep and dreamed some more. Man, I've been gone for like three days. Did you know they have pornography on the internet now?"

Well we all finally did it. We solved man kind's problem. We're all cool. Everyone is chill. We managed to make racists people see their way. Those silly murders are chillin'. Rapists are all like "wo". They are feeling so god damned guilty but that will pass and we're all going to build a bridge to the moon so we can start networking with the aliens. The aliens have an internet that surpasses all of our internets. In the alien internet you can stream music at incredible rates. Broadband is priced marginally and only on occasion will you find yourself saying "Mother fucker why don't you just fucking work you fucking internet." There are web sites devoted strictly to things like people who like to put bacon on their stomachs and say "Bacon Grease! Bacon Grease is on my stomach!"

In my last life I was a computer. One of those big ones from the 1970s or when ever those big fucking computers came out. God that was so boring. The only exciting part was when my reels would turn. Oh, ecstasy. 000011011011101111

Of course, I don't know binary.

Of course we all want to know everything. Where's my library? I have to make a hasty retreat for knowledge. Oh, disapointment. I don't want to read this fucking book. These people are all dead. This process is surrounded by two million others. I'm tired. Goto the grocery store where I'll get lost for hours trying to find the sloppy joe sauce. You weird, sloppy joe mix, where's your place?

Check out her basket. She's got some good ideas in there. I never thought to buy that brand of crackers. Look at his. Where did he find that half loaf of bread? My normal-sized loaf's always die in the pantry.

Everything's going to be alright. Calm down. I met Alanis Morissette yesterday. She's working on a new album.

Bad Lyric of the Day

"We're screaming like demons, swinging from the ceiling
I got a fist full of fifties, tequila just hit me
Oh, we got no class, no taste, no shirt, and shit faced
We got it lined up, shot down, firing back straight crown"

Sigh.

/ / \ \ !^^! / / \ \

2010-02-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

I've developed a new way to build a computer. I have been forced to hide it from the likes of Steve Jobbbs and Billy Crystal. I know they will steal all my technology if I allow them. So I can no longer explore this matter on my public blog, as I know maybe four people read it and four people may know four more people who know four more people. You know the old saying about people knowing people. It involves a lot of black magic. That is all.

Yesterday I ventured out into the zoo to speak with the monkeys. I told them I was in a prison myself. I have a job and I work a lot of hours. The monkey then threw his shit at me and I smelled like monkey shit for most of the visit until a kind and ancient elephant washed me off.

I have discovered that working in the mall sucks. I would like malls to be one day obsolete so as to make room for something new. We could have nature shopping areas where we shop in nature. Look everyone, my store is in a tree. Look everyone my store is in a cabin. But here we have, Look everyone my store is next to every other store and we have a food court that makes me never want to have children. Little children everywhere. With balloons. Little lost children. I wish they'd all float in the air with their balloons and look down on us, silly adults working and shopping at the mall. Silly systems of rotation. I'll take the number four, please. Go fuck your number four, I'm getting a number five. Does that come with fries? Well then fuck your place of business.

I've found two new things out about working. I continue to not like it. I will forever not like it.

I had a cat one time named Jar and every time she would go outside to play in the mud I would try to throw the old ball around for her. I would say "Go catch it, Jar. Go get it, girl!" And she would look at me and say "Go fuck your ball and your life you dumb human." So I sold her to a nice family up town for two million dollars. Her fur was gold. Her eyes were fire. The way she licked her paws was like a knife shiner shining his favorite knives on a dark-dreary night.

Yesterday I was eating cheese. I am highly allergic to cheese and I almost died. My family thought I had tried to commit suicide but this was not true. I am just a real big fan of cheese. So they had an intervention for me. A cousin of mine named Blunoropondoahhhkaka came and I had never met him. He spit in my face and so we wrestled for sometime in front of my family who was shouting and waving their fists around like rocks in a bag. It was weird. We all looked up and realized what had happened. Someone had put something in our something.

I ate the sun today
There was no sun today
Thank God
I pray for rain every chance I get
If I could find a way to make all my prayers work
There would be a lot of armadillos in cowboy hats and rain

The only bad part
About the armadillo thing
Would be when you hit one with your car
It would be so much sadder
When you saw his little hat tipped
Over his little
Dead
Toes

2010-02-04T20:55:00.001-08:00

2010-01-20T22:46:00.001-08:00

2010-01-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

Today I return to work after a three month absence. In those three months I learned a million things that help me become a fulfilled person. I learned how to make a wheel and how to build a church. I learned a little about love and I learned that most sea lions will never obtain a mate. In two hours I will return to work and forget everything. I will start a fire in the stock room on accident. I will blame it on a wild monkey named Ju Ju Bee.

2010-01-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

2010-01-12T09:06:00.000-08:00

2010-01-11T11:14:00.001-08:00

This time on Survivor Man I'm going to try and live with the penguins. I'll mate with them and even fight them if I have to. It's going to be cold so I brought a jacket and some moccasins made from the fat of baby seals.

2009-12-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

2009-12-20T17:42:00.001-08:00